Moving overseas is all about change: new country, new customs, new job, new language. It’s a lot to handle all at once. When the lifestyle changes include trading in a career for full-time parenting, an even bigger adjustment is required. And if the expat in question is a man, the upending of traditional gender roles adds yet another layer of complexity to the process.
Men who have successfully made the transition know that approaching these changes as opportunities is the first step to thriving in expatriate life. “My advice would be: if you’re going to do it, give it everything you’ve got,” says former expat spouse John Burke. Here are some more suggestions for getting the most out of life as an expat spouse.
Don’t Rush into a Job Search
Accompanying spouses who are planning to work in the new location may be tempted to get the ball rolling as soon as they’ve unpacked their bags. Waiting a few weeks – or even months – might be a better option, however. Taking some time to recover from jet lag, explore the surroundings, learn about the local culture, and deal with the early stages of culture shock will allow the spouse to start acclimating to the unfamiliar environment, and make for a less stressful start to a new job.
Create a Career Repatriation Plan
It may seem strange to be thinking of repatriation so soon after arrival, but the non-working spouse who expects to restart his career when his expat life is over will have a much easier re-entry if he plans ahead. Making the effort to maintain contact with former colleagues, keep abreast of developments in his industry, and guard against the erosion of his skills during his sojourn will pay off when it’s time to start a job search back home.
Many expat spouses view this career hiatus as the perfect opportunity to enhance their résumés by volunteering or upgrading their academic qualifications. Others see it as an ideal time to retrain for a new career.
Don’t be Defensive
Having a short and focused “elevator speech” prepared will eliminate any awkward fumbling for words when faced with the inevitable question, “what do you do?” This is especially important if the male accompanying spouse will be the primary caregiver while living abroad.
Fathers who assume the main caregiver role within their families encounter a variety of reactions that run the gamut from admiration to derision. Keeping an eye on the positives – including a greater involvement in the lives of their children and a commitment to furthering the careers of their spouses – will help them weather any criticism that comes their way. Having a sense of humour never hurts, either.
Communicate With Each Other
Mapping out the logistics of the arrangement ahead of time with the working spouse, and discussing a division of labour that works for the whole family, reduces the likelihood of conflict. But the need for communication doesn’t end there. Involving each other in decisions, supporting each other, and simply sharing daily experiences will strengthen the bond between partners and contribute to a healthy family life.
Remember That Adjustment Takes Time
In the same way expats require time to adjust to their new environment, the family needs time to adjust to Dad’s new role. Dealing with multiple changes at once can be overwhelming, for children as well as adults. Psychologist Aaron Rochlen suggests allowing a low-key settling-in period so everyone can begin to adapt to the unfamiliar situation.
Maintain Mental and Physical Health
Many primary caregivers immerse themselves so completely in their new role, they neglect the other aspects of their identity. Indulging in favourite activities – especially physical ones – relieves stress and provides much-needed “me” time.
Seek Out Social Outlets
Cracking the moms’ groups may prove difficult, and full-time salarymen don’t necessarily understand the issues facing non-working dads. “Our research has suggested that having a good support system in place, preferably one that includes other stay-at-home fathers, is critical,” Rochlen writes on his website. Groups for expat fathers are springing up in cities around the globe, including Brussels, London, and Shanghai. A quick internet search can turn up a multitude of resources.
Male accompanying spouses are a fairly new breed of expatriate whose numbers are growing. Unfortunately, they receive even less support in this role than their female counterparts. Carefully considering their expectations before the international relocation and following a few simple steps while living overseas will help these pioneers – and their families – flourish in their new life.
Readers who are interested in expatriate issues may also enjoy The Male Trailing Spouse: An Emerging Expatriate Phenomenon, How to Adjust to Expat Life, and What are Third Culture Kids and How does Expat Life Affect Them?
Maria Foley - Former expat spouse Maria Foley understands how overwhelming living abroad can be, having spent seven years outside her home country of ...
